635 

- Vox ex Vinculis. 

opy 1 



QUEEN OF THE LOBBY 



I 

I AN INCIDENT IN ONE ACT. 



BY eU)AI[^ DUBOIS. 



NEW YORK, 1896. 



I RULE ( 



Vox ex Vinculis. 



QUEEN OF THE LOBBY 



AN INCIDENT IN ONE ACT. 



BY ebAlf^ ©UBOIS. 



NEA?V YORK, 1886. 









r«*=96-007204 



QUEEN OF THE LOBBY. 



Characters Represented . 

GUY DEVLIK, a Millionaire. 

ME. EUSTACE, of California. 

THIMBLE, 

STRADDLE, 

BUNCUM, } Conoressmen. 

DODO, 

SULLEN, 

DOMINGO, a Colored Servant. 

LA BARONNE de la MUSCADINE. 

MARCELLE, a Maid. 



All Bights Reserved. 



QUEEN OF THE LOBBY. 



I^cene: An elegant room in a Washington HoteL 
Rear door gives on to a hall; door to L. leads to 
a private room; second door to L. a stairway; 
door to R. a '^Study,-^ or Library; a des/c also to 
R. — hetiveen it and tlie uxill a chair, and a screen 
concealing a safe. CJiairs, sofa, etc. As curtain 
rises, Domingo and Ma reel le enter — the latter 
reading a letter. 

Mar. No mistake, Monsieur Domingo. Here is 
an ordaire from Madame for you to prepare one 
grand snppaire in No. 16, after twelve o'clock to- 
night. 

Dom. Twelve o'clock. That means washing 
the dishes at sunrise. I would like to be able to 
go to bed before three in the morning for once, 
Just to see how it feels to sleep in the dark. 

Mar. Madame indeed do lead everybody one 
lively ^^train." I wonder why she have so much 
"societe." 

Dom. Because she is a lady of quality, no 
doubt. 

Mar. Qualite — by marriage seulement. She 
was one ordinary Americaine till she epousait the 
Baron cle la Muscadine, who left her after spend- 
ing all her "monaie." 



Enter TMmhle. 

Dom. But lie couldn't spend her wits, for, 
thanks to them, she is rich again, and can afford 
a Duke the next time. Moses — 

Thim. I hope I don't intrude, but may I ask if 
this is the apartment of the Baronness de la Mus- 
cadine ? 

Doni. It is, but the lady is out at present. 

Tlilni. How unfortunate — you w^on't mind if I 
remain till she comes in. Pll make myself per- 
fectly comfortable in this eas^^-chair — looking over 
the pictures in these albums. Don't be uneasy — ■ 
the furniture will be safe. 

][((}'. Yixt a drole man. 

Doni. That's not a man, but a Congressman. 

Mar. Y'cit is a Congressman? 

DouL An individual who may have been a man 
before he got to Congress. For all he says, you 
keep an eye on this room whilst I am getting up 
that supper. 

Mar. I vill, and a cat's eye at zat. [Ejoeunt,] 

Thiiii. [Risiiifi spi'jjlij- -Kis'.siiuf a liofc] A note 
— deliglitfully perfumed — and the Avords, "come 
and see me to-night, after the Opera." It has but 
one meaning — I have made a mash on the bright- 
est w^oman in Washington. Pitiful, but not 
strange — I have always been a regular cj^clone 
among the ladies. 

Enter Straddte — [Radiant, and as fantastically 
dressed.] 

^Strad. [Reading a ufjte.] "Meet me this even- 
ing, after" [Dances in deUglit.] Hurrah! De- 



licious ! I saw it coming for some time, however — 
when I got up to speak yesterday in the House 
she sniggered. Why should she snigger? To con- 
ceal the tumult I excited in her soul. Oh, Strad- 
dle, Straddle, you are a primrose. By all that's 
hideous — 

Thlm. Straddle! 

StracL Thimble! 

Tliim. This is a surprise. 

Strad. Not altogether a pleasant one. 

Thini. I agree with you. 

^trad. What are you doing here? 

Thini. That is the very question I was going 
to ask you. 

Strad. Come now, I hope you'll listen to reasop. 
I haye business with the Baronness. 

Thlm. So have I. 

Strad. Mine's important. 

Thlm. Mine is more so. 

^t}-(id. It could not be. I do not wash to argue, 
but I've evidence that when her ladyship arrives 
3 our presence Avill be an impertinence. [^Sltoivs 
note.] What do you say to that? 

Thini. [Aside.] A note, perfumed — word for 
word with my own — 

Strad. This closes the debate, doesn't it? 

Thini. I must own I am at a loss — to — 

Strad. Why, it is as clear as moonshine — the 
Baronness is quite susceptible, and as her opinion 
of me is that of nw looking-glass — 

Enter Bunenm. 
Bun. [fTJeefifUi/.] "From the icy minarets of 



Alaska to the emerald everglades of Florida"- 

tZ "T"' ^'7'"'' """ ^'^""'"«J perdition! 
I mm. \\ e re-echo the sentiment 

onf hLe.'''""' "'""' ''^ ""* ""P^^* t« fl'^d any- 
ruptef '^"' "" '"' "^" •'^^P^^'* *« be inter- 
crfaSg. '^""'-"-""^ ^'^« interruption is none of my 
_^ Thm. You would hare some difficulty to prove 

«^'v,rf. I fail to see the connection. 

riotrio sell?!'*'''' '" ''"" "^"" ^*^"^^' «^^ 1^^« « 
iignt To select her own guests. 

Thim. That is self-evident. 

B,w Well, in this instance it happens I am a 
selected guest-in fact, the selected guest! When 
I show you my credentials, I hope an annenl fn 
your delicacy wil, be a m,ffldent in imatfri on 

>^tia(l. [Fvrioii.s.] Well, I'll be— 
Thm. [Aside.] Worse and worse 
«S^r«f/. What can this signify^ 
Bm,. I can't .say, really. All I know is, the 
lady has continental ideas, and as I have aLv^ 

cerTed-'"'''' '""^"^^^ ''"'''' «- -- ^ -- 
Enter MarceUe. 
Mar. Madame la Barone. v^^^^ . 

Bun. [Very airyj] Ah! Ah! [Straddle and 



9 

Tli'uhhlc (JO to <)}((' side disconifited and si/mpathize tvith 
one another. Enter the Baron ness — in opera costume 
— reading a telegram, ^^he Is absorbed, and sees no 
one.] 

Bar. ''Accident — delay — Avill not be able to 
reach AA'anhington before inidniolit — Unv Devlin." 
How proAxrking, Matters critical, and I so need 
his assistance — \Glaners at the clock.] One hour to 
wait — Ah! the tenderloins are here — let me put 
that honr to i>ood use. [Conrtesies.] Gentlemen. 

Bun. Your servants, Baronness. 

Bar. I am sorry I did not see you before. You 
received the notes ? 

Bun. Yes, I received tJie note. Here it is. 
[Aside to the others] Excuse yourselves and go. 
Can't you take a hint? 

Bar. And you two? 

Strad. Here is mine.. [Buncum sta(/(/frs.] 

Thim. And mine. [><t raddle reels.] 

Bar. This is well. Noav, if the others were 
here — 

Bun. Others! 

Bar. Yes, I expect Sullen and Dodo yet. It 
is unfortunate they should delay. We cannot 
proceed without them. However, you won't ob- 
ject waiting- till they come. You will hnd news- 
papers and games to amuse you, there in my 
study. 

Thim. Have you any idea when Sullen and 
Dodo will be here? 

Bar. [Carelessli/.] Oh, yes, some time between 
now and morning. 

Thim. I'll be blessed — 



10 

>^trad. For cheek unvarnished 

Bun. Oh, these women, these women 

[All three exeunt hvto the study in great rage.] 
Bar. A good pen for the cattle. Now let me 
see— let me see.— I declare, I believe that window 
IS open— [G^oe^ a^id looks out.] How grand the 
Capitol looks in the distance. Grand, indeed— 
once the temple, but fast becoming the Mauso- 
leum of the Eepublic. And the stars— how 
brightly they are shining. Perhaps my little 
Natalie, in her convent home, is looking up at 
them now, and wondering who— who her mother 
is. [Closes window, comes aicai/—4aJces of her bon~ 
net, cloak, etc] My Natalie. I have no right to 
thmk of you— for I have ceased to have a heart.— 
Marcelle ! 

E}iter Marcelle. 
Mar. Madame! 

Bar. Take these wraps and put them away. 
[Exit Marcelle, hut returns in a short while. Baron- 
ness looks over risitlng cards on the table.] I notice 
here one card— Mr. Eustace, of California. When 
did he call? 

Mar. About an hour after Madame left for ze 
^^Theatre.'' 

Bar. Did he leave auy word? 

Mar. Yes, Madame— that he would call a<>ain 

Bar. When? 

Mar. To-night. 

Bar. [Aside.] Oh, this Puritan ! I wonder 
what his business is. I gravely suspect it relates 
to the Grinding Bill. Steps? Marcelle. 

Mar. It is one more, Monsieur — 



11 



JJntcr >^Hlh'n. 

B(ir. All! — that Avill do for the present. [Eijoit 
MarccUr, irith more n-raps.] Mr. Sullen, this is a 
pleasure. 

aV?(/. [He /.S' tJiiii, white, angular, with a dark, Jong, 
fierce tnoustaeJie.] You can play yonr part to per- 
fection. 

Bar. Sour humor to-day. 

^>^^fJ. Good reason. 

Bar. Why? 

SuL I don't like bad treatment. 

Bar. Neither should I. 

Sul. Then why do you inflict it? 

Ba)'. Sullen! 

^S'ul. I got your note. 

Bar. It made you mad? 

l>>ul. It threw me into raptures. I kissed it — I 
hugged it — I danced about the room. But sud- 
denh^ the floor of my heaven gave way — a knock 
came to the door. Who do you think it was? 

Bar. No idea. 

SuL Dodo. 

Bar. I sympathize with you. 

^((l. Now if there's an^^bod}' I despise, it is 
Dodo. 

Bar. That shows 3^our good sense. 

Sul. That was bad enough. 

Bar. It could hardly be worse. 

^^at. But judge of my horror — when he began 
to racket about as I had been doing, and ended up 
by showing me — 
^ Bar. What? 

^^ul. Also a. note from vou. 



12 



Bar. Oh! he got l.i.s the„-I a,n so «lad. 

^nl [Frenzied] Glad! '' 

Bar. Yes! I hope you bronglit him along. 

'>"/. No, he came along. 

Bar. Where is he? 

>Jitl. Down stairs-iu the bar-room. 

^>r. I might have known that-I'll send for 

lea!tWltl-f°" 7f-r^'-'''-^"^'".'/ /*er]-Not at 
least till I know what yon meant by— ' 

nottL r' '"'''-'''-'''^ explanation is simple. I 
notiaed five eminent Congressmen to come here 
this evening and consnit with me on an important 
bit of legislation. Dodo and yonrself were of the 
number— that is all. ^ 

*V«/. So others are expected here too' 

Bar. They are here already 

tni^'\ ^'°";"'^«'!t "o^'i'ig of a more tender na- 
tme-yo„ did not intend to convey the fact-I had 
impressed ,vou-that yon were readv to welcome 
m.y attentions-that yon-vo„- ' '''^'^^'"e 
Bar. [Haiiiihtilji.] Sir! ' 

S,a. No use to pose like that-vou deceitful 
woman-pretend to say you never encouraged me 
-that you never smiled when I passed-never 
sqiK^zed my hand when we met-never k eked 
m,v foot under the table? I can bring witi^s^e^ 
to prove what I say. Everybodv has remarked 
your leaning towards me-my friends have been 
chaffing me about it, even-much as I have been 
able to do to keep it out of the newspaperl 

wfshin.fon'^.,'"'" • ^''''' ™"^* ^^ 2,000 fools in 
Washington this minute, who imagine they have 
the same complaint to make as vourself 



18 



8nL Yes, but I am oue of the fools who have 
taken you seriously, and I don't propose — 

Bar. [Tapping Mni iriih a fa/ii.] Poor fellow! 
do you love me, then? 

Sill. [FalUiif/ on o)ie knee.] Oh! Baronness. 

Bar. I must forbid this — carpets are expen- 
sive. Besides, there is another objection to my 
listening to any advances of this kind. 

Sul. Which is — 

Bar. YTm are a married man. 

l^^ul. What difference should that make? 

Bar. Thank you for your nice opinion of me. 
A great deal of difference. 1 have been a pretty 
black sheep, and have broken all the command- 
ments, I confess, except — 

."^ul. What? 

Bar. The one in the middle. 

Hnl. If that be all that divides us — 

Bar. Oh, but there is another obstacle, still. 

*s'/^/. For example — 

Ba): You could never support a fifty -thousand 
dollar woman on a ^ye thousand dollar salary. 

tSifl. IIoAV do you know I couldn't? 

Bar. Because you can hardly support yourself 
on it. Let us see — you owe |60.17 to your laun- 
dress, 1133.05 to your tailor, two months' rent at 
the Arlington — and to cap the climax, 3^ou have 
just i3ut a four thousand dollar mortgage on the 
only property you possess in the world — your 
farm at home. 

Sul. Are 3^ou the devil, or what? 

Bar. No^only Mr. Dun or Mr. Bradstreet, in 
a Court-train. 



14 



xS'/^/. And after breaking my heart, you mean 
to avail yourself of the knowledge you have 
gained of my private affairs, to humiliate me. 

Bar. Tut, tut, tut — no such stuff in my 
thoughts— I only wanted to show you the dejjth 
to which you have sunk, that you may better ap- 
preciate the height to which you may rise. I in- 
tend, my friend, to make you a large sum of 
money. 

aS'?//. [Grasp'uig Iter hand eagerly.'] Money? 

Bar. Here is Marcelle — no agitation — Well? 

Enter Marcelle. 

Mar. Mr. Eustass — de la Calif ornie — 

Bar. Admit him at once — and, Marcelle, you 
may tell the gentlemen in the study I am now at 
their service. [Eooit Marcelle.] 

>>>ul. You are incomprehensible. 

Bar. You shall soon understand all — be i^a- 
tient. [Moves up, and for awhile disappears.] 

Sal. I suppose I must submit — but, plague 
take it — I feel like a barrel of dynamite that is 
itching to blow up and destroy everybody and 
ever^^thing in sight. 

Enter from the Study, Thiinhle, Straddle, and 
Buncum. 

Thim. Here we are again. 

Strad. Here we are^ — and there is Sullen. 

Bun. And yonder comes Dodo. 

Thim. Followed by Eustace. 

Strad. The plot begins to thicken. 



15 



Enter Dodo — then HuHimr. 

Do, How do you do, friends — how do jou do, 
everybod}^ Evidently there will be a quorum to- 
night. Mrs. Baronness — Madame La Baronne, I 
should sa}^ — 

Bar. Mr. Dodo — 

Do. I couldn't wait for Sullen any longer. He 
was to come first and let me know the purport of 
the notes, but as he didn't return — 

^uL True — I had forgotten about you. Dodo. 

Bar. We understand, Mr. Dodo, you did right 
to come up without ceremony — you Avill be greatly 
needed here this evening. [Turning and holding 
out her hand.] Mr. Eustace, your pardon for not 
being here earlier in the evening to receive you. 

East. And yours, Baronness, for calling at so 
unreasonable an hour the second time. If I had 
known you were going to have friends here — 

Bar. Is your business anything you would hesi- 
tate to state before these gentlemen? 

Eiist. On the contrary — it relates to a public 
matter about to come before the House, in which 
they, as well as the whole country, are interested. 

Bar. Then I am sure we would all be pleased 
— [All sail yes, yes] — but first let us make ourselves 
more at home. [Motions eacli to an appropriate 
seat.] 

Do. [Showing a cigar.] Will you permit me, 
Baronness ? 

Bar. With pleasure — I like the smoke of a 
good cigar. Wait — allow me to give you a light. 

Ban. H^umph! Wish I had a cigar. 



16 



Bar. [^"^ettJiug herself in a eonspieuous ehair,] 
Now, Mr. Eustace, we are at your orders. 

Eust. To be brief, Baronness, I come to you as 
a supplicant. Everyone is aware of the vast in- 
fluence yoLi wield at Washington, and it is that 
influence I wish to interest against the most merci- 
less and fiendish scheme of robbery that ever — 
ever — 

Bar. [Frif/idhj.] Mr. Eustace, I regret your re- 
marks have taken this turn. I tell you frankly, 
and without circumlocution, your appeal to me 
will be in vain. I am already engaged to promote, 
not to oppose, the passage of the "Grinding Bill." 

Eust. How did you know — 

Sal. [Aside.] Humph! Wliat don't she know? 

Bai: From the moment you opened your lips I 
knew wliat was to follow. It is a pity a man of 
your lights and attainments should take the side 
of the mob on this great question. 

Eust. Do you know, Madame, what the '^Grind- 
ing BilF' means? 

Bar. Simply this — a troop of banditti have 
been gutting all the country between the Missouri 
River and your State for twenty-five years, and 
the purpose of the bill is to enable them to con- 
tinue their depredations for a- hundred more. 

EusL And do you think they should be armed 
with so atrocious a privilege? 

Bar. I am not dealing in abstractions this 
evening. 

Eust. Twenty-five hundred thousand men once 
rose to free four million colored slaves in the 
South — and are we now to vainly beg for a few 



17 



niggardly votes to deliver teu million white men 
in the North and West? 

Bar. Oh, Eustace, you are beginning to tire 
me. All you say is good sentiment, but poor poli- 
tics. 

Eust. And I answer, the politics that justify 
the plundering of the people — the polluting of 
Courts, the debauching of newspapers, and the 
corrupting of Legislatures, is something that 
could have come only from the infernal pit^ — and 
will one daj^ be washed from the face of the earth 
in torrents of guilty blood — 

Bar. I have no such doleful apprehensions. 

Eusi. People did not believe in the deluge till 
they were drowned in its waters. 

Bar. Deluges, my dear man, are obsolete. I 
have something in this recej)tacle will prove my 
case better than words. [Hlie lias trouble in moving 
the screen. f:^i(JIeH steps forward to assist.] 

^^ul. Will you permit me? [He moves it.] 

Bar. [Taking a check-hofjk out of the safe — before 
the door is closed, Sullen gets a peep into the safe.] 
Now I have what I want. 

i^iil. [Aside, gasping.] Bank-notes by the arm- 
ful. 

Ba7: Do you know what this is? 

Eust. A check-book. 

Bar. The aegis that makes us invulnerable to 
all the horrors your morbid imagination conjures 
up. Gentlemen, Mr. Eustace has precipitated the 
issue. It is time to throw off the mask, and to de- 
clare the motives I had in bringing you here. I 
require your assistance to pass the "Grinding 
Bill," and I want to know if I may depend upon it? 



18 



Thiin. The question is rather abrupt. 

Do. Not at all. I don't see how it could have 
been put otherwise. 

Stracl You have had the best of the argument, 
"Madame. '^ 

Do. By far. 

Tldni. But the trouble is— -you have been 
hardly explicit enough. 

Do. [Protesting.] My dear sir — 

Bar. If I signed a million to every one of these 
leaves 1 would need a new check-book to reach the 
millions still in reserve behind me. 

Thim. That may all be — but what does it avail 
a man perishing of thirst on the desert to be told 
there is an ocean of fresh v/ater in Lake Superior? 

Bur. Well, if each of you that may be now per- 
ishing of thirst will bring his pitcher to this 
table- 
Do. You will fill it with water — ? 

Bar. Fresh from Lake Superior. 

Do. At how much a i3itcher?. 

Bar. [Ahcat/s in a business manner.] Two thou- 
sand dollars. [All protest.] 

Thim. Madame! 

Strad. You are frank to brutality. 

Do. Even I am disgusted. 

^^uL Is this the windfall you promised me? 

Bun. Two thousand dollars. 

Do. It wouldn't keep a statesman in tooth- 
picks. 

^^trad. The offer is an insult. 

Bar. [Alwaifs irrifing with tier eyes intent on her 
wortx.] I am ready to apologize by raising the fig- 
ure to five thousand. 



19 



Thini. The tigure^ — I lueau the apok><»y — is in- 
suffieient. 

Strad. (ttossIj' inadequate. 

Do. 1 don't Ivnow about that. 

Bun. Fixe tliousand is a neat sum. 

Do. I never did believe in being a hog. 

Bun. I am certain the Baronness wants to do 
what is fair. 

Bar. So fair — that as I see some of you are disi- 
satisfied, I am ready to go as high as |T,500. 

Sill Where is my hat? 

Tltim. We are be^^ond temptation. 

Do. Now, gentlemen — 

^^nl. Let us go — 

^^tra(L [HcroicaUi/.] Yes, let us go. 

Thini. [Wcal-cituuj.] We are going. 

Strad. Yes — that is — if we have heard the last 
you have to sa^^ — 

Bar. Well, I don't believe in straining at a 
gnat — Call it 10,000 — and have done. 

Sill. Ten tliousand peanuts. 

Do. Surely, Mr. Sullen. 

KStrad. My seat cost me that — 

ThhiL The terms are jjreposterous. 

Do. and Bun. [Pleading] Now, Mr. Thimble — 
Mr. Thimble. 

Th'nn. [I ni patiently.] Don't claw me, please — 
I know a thing or two, I tell you. Here is a rail- 
wa3^ — its managers are taking in fift}- millions a 
year — five thousand millions in a hundred years, 
of which a third will be profit — and the^'^ want me 
to assist them in getting all that for |10,000. 

Strad. Outrageous! Don't you think so, Mr. 
Eustace? 



20 



Eu.st. I eertainl}^ do. If I were in this sort of 
biisiuess I would consider my vote worth as much 
to me as to the railroad. 

Bar.. [Ciurlesslij.] Well, gentlemen, it is grow- 
ing late, and as we can't come to any agreement — 

ThUii. We understand you — 

>>nJ. If nobod}^ is ever going to come — 

Do. Don't be so hasty. 

Bun. No, don't; haste is the most destructive 
of all vices. But for haste, a man might not have 
slipped on a banana peel and broken his leg; but 
for haste to make the accjuaintance of the foundry 
cat, the dog might not have lost his tail on a buzz- 
saw; but for haste — 

Bar. [Bings] Marcelle! 

Enter Marcelle. 

Mar. Oui, Madame. 

Bar. See that Domingo delivers these five 
notes the first thing in the morning to Congress- 
men Parsnip, Onion, Pumpkin, Squash, and Car- 
rot. 

Mar. I will, Madame. [Ea'it.] 

Do. See what you have done. 

Thim. What have we done? 

Do. Compelled her to throw us over — 

Bun. She can get Parsnip for five hundred. 

Do. Onion, Pumpkin, and Squash, for three. 

Bun. And Carrot for one. 

Strad. Cheap men are dear at any price. 

Do. Mr. Thimble! 

Tliim. I am bronze — 

Do. It is well enough for vou to be bronze — 



21 



this is your first tenn — niilortunately 1113' coustitu- 
ents have found me out — and it is to be my last. 

Bnn, YouHl never have such another chance. 

Thin(. Neither will the railroad. 

^^uJ. Come, it is time to cross the liubicon. 

Tkini. But to show our defiance of Madame we 
won't leave the hotel. 

^Str<i(l. No, we'll merely go downstairs. 

Thim. And play billiards— Ha! Ha! 

^Sirad. And wait developments. 

ThiiH. Yes, till to-morrow morning. 

[This speech to. Thimble.] 

Bini, [linplor'utf/li/.] P^or the last time — Gen- 
tlemen, gentlemen — 

TJduL [Grandly.'] I am a reader of Spartan his- 
tory. 

>^irad. And I am an actor of it. 

Do. [Dolefully.] But w^e don't want to be Spar- 
tans. 

Ihin. No, no, we don't want to be Spartans. 
[Thiinhle and Hfrnddle ptirpfjseh) leave an overcoat and 
cane hehlnd — then e.rennt all. iSullen defiantly, Dodo 
and Buncnni relnetanth/ and n-himperlng.] 

Bar. [Finish'uH/ (vrltinf/.] Well, Mr. Eustace, I 
hope you are not going — won't you stop and chat 
a while? 

Ensl. I must be excused. 

Bar. Why? 

East, I could sustain no part of the conversa- 
tion — I have just heard and seen enough to make 
me dumb for the rest of my life. 

Bar. You are foolish. 

I Just. I have been foolish to believe in mv fel- 



22 



low-man, perhaps. J^o this is all Bunker Hill and 
the Declaration of Independence signif}^ in the 
end — is it? Poor, poor humanit}, forever grasp- 
ing at the stars, and forever clutching dead ashes. 

Bd)'. You are sad. 

Etist. Yes, I am sad to lind the glorious divin- 
ity I have worshipped is but a wooden idol, that 
may be pierced through and through, or broken 
into splinters by a few nasty spit-balls of dirt and 
of gold. 

Bar. I see you are in no mood to be enter- 
tained — therefore 1 will not detain you. Let us 
hope on some other occasion — dear, dear — the por- 
ter has lowered the gas in the hall, so you can 
liardlj' see 3^oiir way out. Stop — I will hold the 
lamp for you till you reach the top of the stairs. 

[^^Jie does so.] 

Eiist. You are very kind. 

Bar. Also^ — you ma^^ have forgotten — -midway 
down the hall there are three abrupt steps. Please 
take care. 

Bust. [Bowing sadhj.] I will remember. 

Bar. [Holds the lamp up fo)' a irhile, then comes 
forward — sels it on the table, and then sits down — re- 
mains preoeeupied a few seconds. Music] 

Bar. Oh, that I had met such a man in my 
young day. My Natalie Avould not then be 
ashamed to own she was my child. [Guy Devlin, 
during this scene, lias entered — after pausing a few 
moments, comes forward and taps Iter wiili a glove] 
she rises.] Guy! Mr. Deidin! 

Guy D. Did I startle you — What is the mat- 
ter — Sleepy? Why, there are tears in your eyes. 



23 

B(U'. Nouseuse — you are late. 

(ruij D. Yon got my telegram? 

Bar. Yes; what was the cause of the delay? 

(futj D. Train ran off the track; and hour be- 
fore I could get a special. What a pity we cannot 
re-establish the whipping-post — these careless 
train men cause such accidents, and accidents 
mean damages. 

Bar. You work 3'^our men too hard. 

(lUi/ D. Only fifteen hours a day — 

Bar. That's enough to kill anybody. 

(riijj D. Yet for one that's killed at that gait, 
I notice a hundred step forward only too willing 
to be killed in his place. 

Bar. Yet there are grave, grave complaints 
against 3^ou. 

(}uy D. All from the one quarter — Trades 
Unions, Knights of Labor, and similar abomina- 
tions. The country will never know true prosper- 
ity till they are extirpated, root and branch. De- 
prived of such disturbing influences, the common 
classes will gradually sink down to their normal 
and natural condition of subjection to their bet- 
ters, and all will be lovely. 

Bar. And the passing of the ^^Grinding Bill" 
will be a long step in this happy direction, I sup- 
pose? 

Guy D. It will, undoubtedly. What progress^ 
are you making? 

[Enter Thimhle and Straddle, on tiptoe, as loohing for 
cloak and cane.] 

Bar. The last batch vou sent me I have had 



24 



here all evening— but they proA^ed very intrac- 
table. 

Guy D. How high did you go? 

Bar. To ten thousand. 

Guij D. Apiece? 

Bar. Yes. 

Guy D. The deuce — the rascals must think 
they have got me in a hole. 

Bar. Is it not true? 

Guy D. Well, I admit — it is a matter of several 
millions annually to the company for a hundred 
years, and practically a clean sweep of two hun- 
dred millions more from the government then. 

Bar. What an insignificant sum. 

Guy D. It is at least worth fighting for. 

TMm. {^Advancing. 1 And paying for, too. 

Bar. [Rising.] Gentlemen — 

Sfrad. Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. 
Guy Devlin. Never met you before, except in a 
photographer's show case. 

Guy D. Do you know these persons? 

Ba)\ Intimately. [Aside.] They are two of the 
votes we are after. 

Guy D. Oh! It is a pity, gentlemen, we could 
not have been introduced to one another in a more 
formal manner. 

TJiiiu. It was hardly possible. We had about 
finished a game of billiards, and were going home, 
when I found I had lost my cane. 

Hfi'ad. And I my overcoat. 

Bai\ And as this room was the last place you 
had frequented — ? 

lliim. Preciselv. 



25 



Guji 1). We understaiid perfectly — I am can- 
did enougii to own the language you have just 
heard has put me somewhat at a disadvantage. 

^^trad. For which I am profoundh^ grateful to 
my overcoat — 

Thini. And I to my cane. 

Bar. [Aside,] Beware — these are the two most 
dangerous of the lot. Let me manage them. Gen- 
tlemen, there is no call to be sarcastic — Mr. Devlin 
well knows how to accept a situation. 

TJiim. We are glad to hear it. 

Bar. Now, if you will promise to secure him 
the votes of your three associates, on the terms 
already proffered, and pledge yourselves to se- 
crecy in the matter, he is ready to pay you twenty 
thousand each — just double what the others are 
to get. 

Thim. Tw^enty thou — 

^trad. Vd sell inj soul for that. 

(iuy D. Don't you think the devil would get 
the worst of the bargain? 

Htrad. [Gdj/Ji/.] The devil would have to take 
chances in the premises. 

Bar. It is agreed, then. All that remains for 
me to say, is, the sooner we have the votes the 
sooner you get 3 our money. 

I>^trad. In ten minutes we engage to deliver you 
the goods. Come, Thimble. 

Thim. Yes, Straddle. [Exeuni jof/oush/.] 

(in II D. Well for a pair of rapscallions; but, 
Baronness, you are a genius. I thought it was 
going to be a case of blackmail, but you not only 
saved me from that annoyance, but ended by get- 



'2i\ 



ting me three rebellions votes besides. Hail to 
the Queen of the Lobby! 

Bar. We will postpone compliments till some 
other time, if you please. They are returning. 

[SquahhUng heard in the hall] 

Guy D. Already? 

Bar. It would be hardly wise for you to figure 
personally in an affair like this. 

Gvy D. Quite so. In case of an expose, I might 
find it difficult to prove an alibi. 

Bar. This passage will take you to the street. 

Guy D. But I wish to go over the accounts, 
write a dozen letters, and put some important pa- 
pers into the safe there. 

Bar. Then slip into my study till they depart. 

Guy D. Don't let them keep me a prisoner long. 

[Eofit:] 

Bar. I will not, never fear. Now to make out 
the checks, and Avind up the most troublesome job 
I have had on my hands in twenty years. [Mutter- 
ing to herself as she writes.] Thimble, Straddle, 
and Dodo — 

Enter Thinible, l^traddle, Buuentu, and Dodo, contend- 
iiig and remonstrating with ^Sullen. 

Several. Oh, come now, come now. Sullen. 

Sul. I tell you I don't like it — it looks sus- 
picious. 

Thiiu. AVhat looks suspicious? 

Sul. Your sudden conversion. 

Strad. There was no other course to jiursue. 

Do. How could there be? 

Thim. We found Parsnip & Co. were no bluff; 
she really meant to substitute them. It was ten 
thousand in U. S. notes or nothing. 



27 



Strad. We really thougiit, under the eireuni- 
staiiees, we had better yield. 

Do. I would have done so from the first. 

aS*/(7. No doubt; you are an antique at the 
game. Your old paunch is even now so stuffed 
with plunder, that, like your extinct patronymic, 
you can hardly waddle about with it. 

Do. Mr. Sullen! 

Bun. When I reflect that from the icy min- 
arets of Alaska to the persimmon groves of Ope- 
lousas — 

Bar. Well, gentlemen, have you come to an un- 
derstanding? 

Do. Yes, Madame, I — I mean ever^ybody. 

Bm\ Mr. Sullen? 

Sul. [Reluct a nth/ and growling.] I don't like to 
surrender, but I guess there is no use bucking 
against the majority. [All give a comical sigh of 
relief. Dodo and Buncum embrace.] 

Bar. Very well, then — ^there is your envelope. 
[Sullen takes it.] Mr. Thimble and Mr. Straddle, 
yours — Mr. Buncum and Mr. Dodo — 

Do. Ah, Madame, these are the kind of love 
notes I like to receive. [Pnts his into a note-hooh] 
In remembrance of you, I will carry it next to my 
heart. 

Bun. I'll sleep with mine under my pillow. 

8 If I. [Looking at watcJi.] Speaking of pillows 
and sleep, is it not getting rather late? 

Thim. Yes; we must be really going. So, 
Madame, with billions of thanks, regards and 
blessings — 

Bar. Fie, fie, do you think I am going to let 



28 



you off like this — [Riiu/s; Doiniiujo appears^] — 
after the exciting evening we have had? Before 
leaving yon must partake of a little supper I have 
prepared for you in No. 16. When you are 
through you will find carriages at the hotel door 
to take you home. See to everything, Domingo. 

Dom. Yes, my lady. 

Do. Baronness, you are a trump. 

HfratJ. You are going to join us? 

Bai'. I have not had three hours' rest in a 
week. If you would be so good as to excuse me — 

lliiw. I suppose we shall have to submit. 

Doni. All. is ready, gentlemen. 

Bar. As a j^arting favor, I hope you will not 
si)are the champagne. 

Thim. No danger! And the first bottle shall 
be a bumper to the "Queen of the Lobby.'' 

AU. To the Queen of the Lobb}''! {Exeunt 
ehceriiuj — Dodo throws tier a kiss. aSV^p stands in the 
hall uiiriiuj her hand. The ^ttidii door opens, and 
Guy Devlin enters as slie eomes doirn.] 

Gup D. The coast is clear? 

Bar. Yes — how relieved you ought to feel. I 
am sure I do. The majority is small. 

Gay D. It will be greater — the Dunderheads 
are to come yet. These are a class of people who 
are never bought, because they have not brains 
enough to sell themselves; but they always take to 
bad legislation instead of good by a sort of in- 
stinct, on the same principle that a pig prefers a 
mud -wallow to a plum orchard. AH such will 
vote for lis from conviction. 

Bar. I am glad to find you so sanguine. There 
is nothing further for us to confer about to-nio^ht? 



29 



(jUjj I). No; aud you look tired. Allow me to 
conduct you to — 

Bar, You are going to remain? 

(Jujj D. Yes; I have much to do, and 1 never 
work so well as in this cosy little nook of yours. 

Bar. There's the key, then — you may have oc- 
casion to open the safe. 

G-iijj D. True. 

Bar. When you go, don't forget the catch on 
the hall door. [Po'uif'uig to ike rear door.] 

Gulf D. No; I won't. [Laughier, merriment, 
and the popping of champagne eot-ks heard.] 

Bar. The patriots are having quite a ^^Fourth 
of Jul}-." 

Giiij D. Yes, dang'ni; and it is I who am pay- 
ing for the fire-crackers. 

Bar. Bon soir, Mr. Devlin! 

(fiijf D. [Boicing.] Ah! — yes — Madame la Ba- 
roune — Bon sewer. [Rep^'ats.] Bon sewer. [TJie 
Baroaness passe>^ uiio her room, and closes the door. 
Deiiiu pauses, ih^n leaves the door and takes tlie cen- 
ter.] Wonderful w oman, that — w^onderf ul ! Had 
she been born a man she would have become a 
Richelieu or a Bismarck. [RuhUng his liands.] It 
is getting chilly — let me put a stick of wood on the 
fire. [Does so; then takes his seat hehind the desk, 
and hciflns to work — assorting, reading, signing 
documents, all the wJiile soliloquizing with himself. 
Sullen appears at the end.] Wonder if I shall ever 
be used for a stick of wood? The preachers say 
some hard things of the fate reserved for sinners. 
But, pshaw! I'm no sinner — never knew what it 
w^as to do a dishonest action — not since I was 



30 



born. I have always foiinel, in fact, honesty is the 
best policy. It has e^ er been a mystery to me how 
some nnfortunates conld be so stnpicl to take 
chances of the penitentiary by stealing a second- 
hand coat or robbing a melon j)atch. We cannot 
all be constituted alike, I suppose. It is not every 
man that is born Avith the judgment or the con- 
science of Guy Dev — [Sees l>^ullen.] Sir — 

)>^uL Don't be alarmed. 

(hqf D. What does this mean? 

>S'/^/. Nothing — except I came here to see the 
Baronness. I find you in her place — so much the 
better. 

Crui/ D. I do not wish to be disturbed. 

Sul. And I propose taking measures that will 
prevent such an annoyance, sir. [Goes to rear — 
shuts — loci's the door — puts kei/ into his pocket, and 
comes forward.] 

Guy D. Your methods are a ery singular. 

Sul, They will be thoroughly understood be- 
fore I leaye here. 

Guy D. Might I be so bold as to ask who and 
what you are? 

Sul. Certainly — there is no secret about either 
fact. My name is Wilder T. Sullen, and I am a 
member of the present Lower House. 

Guy D. A new member, I presume? 

Sul, Yes — this is my first term. 

Guy D. That accounts for my not recognizing 
your name. 

SuL Strange — Pve been told you knew the 
names of all the members of both Houses by 
heart. 



31 



(ruji I). So I i^etierally do— at tlie end of a ses- 
sion. Well, now, W'illard T. Sullen, member of 
the present Lower House, Avliat can I do for you? 

^vl. A great deal, sir — I come to see you in 
reference to the little affair the Baronness has just 
been conducting for you. 

Guy D. [Feif/nliifi not to understand.'] What 
little affair? 

Bui. You know very well — that relating to the 
purchase of fiye important votes in the interest of 
your ^^Grinding Bill." 

Guy D. Really — you seem to know more about 
the circumstances that I do. 

Sul. I ought to, in any event. 

Guy D. How so? 

Bui. I am one of the votes in question. 

Gity D. Oh, you are — that puts another face on 
the matter. [Aside] What a load off my nerves — 
I don't see there is anything further to discuss on 
that head, Mr. Sullen. , 

Sid. I do, Mr. Devlin. 

Guy D. Did you not agree to accept of a cer- 
tain sum in return for your vote? 

Sid. I did. 

Guy D. Has not that sum been paid you? 

Std. It has. 

Guy D. Are you not satisfied? 

Sul. No, I am not satisfied. 

Guy D. W^hat is the trouble? 

Bui. The trouble is cheating, fraud, and gross 
deception, 

Guy D. Sullen! 

Bid. You have been catechising me — allow me 



now to catechise yoii. You bid for the support of 
five certain Representatives, did you not? 

Guy D. Well— 

^iil. And you were to pay each one of them ex- 
actly the same sum? 

Guy D. Granted — 

i^ul. Then, why in the teeth of such a compact 
have you paid two of our members double the 
amount received by the rest of us? 

Guy D. You do not know I have done this. 

^nl. I do know it — on the ver^^ best of author- 
ity. One of your beneficiaries told us the whole 
stor}- , but now at the supper table. Having taken 
too much champagne, he lost all control over 
his tongue — yes, w^^nt so far in his drunken, tri- 
umphant glee, as to flaunt youv check in our very 
faces. 

Guy D. [Aside.] The cur — the cur — there is 
no trusting one of them. Well, Sullen, what is 
done is done. Y^ou must regard the incident as 
closed. 

Sul. Not by a thousand miles. 

Guy D. What do you expect? 

^^ul. I expect — nay, demand, that now, upon 
this spot — without delay— before I leave this 
room, you pay me the ten thousand still due to me 
upon our contract. 

Guy D. You are joking. 

i^ul. Hoi Ho! my man, I was never more seri- 
ous or earnest in my life. My whole being revolts 
and sickens me at what I have consented to do — 
Vote for the ^^Grinding Bill" — The wretch guilty 
of such a deed is no better than the accomplice 






83 

who shares with the outlaw the fruits of his crime 
on the highw^ay — Vote for the "Grinding Bill?" 
The man who so degrades himself shall stand for- 
ever accurst — Liying — his wife will blush to re- 
ceive his kiss — his children to bear his name — his 
friends to own his fellowship. Dead — spittle not 
tears shall rain upon his tomb; the very worms 
will avoid his carcass lest they be poisoned by eat- 
ing of his infected flesh. For him no place on 
fame's eternal scroll — but imprecations — and 
maledictions deep from the well-fonts of every 
noble, honor-loving heart Men with horror in 
their faces will hurry by the spot where he rests, 
and when little children ask them why, they shall 
be told for answer, in that disreputable grave lies 
one who in the distant past voted for the "Grind- 
ing Bill." 

Guy D. Sullen! Sullen! 

^ul. Such, such, I say, is my future — such, 
such the fate I embrace to serve you — and your 
fiendish purposes of i)illage and greed — and there- 
fore, Guy Devlin, I give you due warning I mean 
to have the full recompense of my infamy. 

Guy D. [Sloivly.] Well, Sullen — if you were 
not so excited, I — don't know, but we might — 

SuL [Covering Devlin quickly with a revolver,'] 
Stop! 

Guy D. Hein!— 

Sul. Back to your place! I know why you 
were edging over in that direction — you wanted 
to give the alarm to your minions to come and 
take me into custody. Now, I advise you to be 
careful — the moment you dare put a finger on 



34 

that bell, I will send a bullet crasliing through 
your brain. 

Guy D. You know what the consequences 
would be — 

Sul. A broomstick for the consequences. Be- 
fore coming here I regulated all my affairs and 
made my will. Let men sentence me to the rope — 
and Heayen condemn me to Hell — I will always 
have the satisfaction of knowing you arrived 
there several months before me. 

Guy D. You are a curious fellow, Sullen — you 
lose your balance — fly off at a tangent before you 
know^ whether you are striking at a real grievance 
or a windmill. How do you know I am not ready 
to do you justice? I am always open to convic- 
tion, and in this instance I have been thoroughly 
convinced — both argument and reason are en- 
tirely on your side. Sit down, then, like a good 
child, and be quiet whilst I write you out a check. 

Sul. No check for me — 

Guy D, No? 

Sill. It will be six hours before your bank 
opens — what is there to prevent your notifying 
the officials in the meanwhile against cashing that 
check on the ground it was extorted from you by 
violence? 

Guy D. What am I to do, then? No man, how- 
ever rich, is in the habit of carrying ten thousand 
dollars about with him in his pocket book. 

Sul. You have the money convenient, all the 
same. 

Gity D. Have I — where? 

S'ul. In a safe behind that screen. 



I 



35 



(hiy D. You know of that, too? 

Sill. As I know of many other things — 

Guy D. Well, Sullen, I'd like to oblige you, but 
this safe belongs to the Baronness; it would not 
be proper for me to open it without her permis- 
sion, and as for touching her money — 

Sill. None of that poppy-cock, Devlin. The 
money belongs to you ; it is only deposited here to 
enable your agent, the Baronness, to make all pay- 
ments in her own name, and so divert suspicion 
from yourself. 

Guy D. [Rising and smiling.'] Decidedly, Sul- 
len; you will be a success in Congress. 

Sul. Why? 

Guy D. Because you have a knack of overrul- 
ing the chair. [Opens the safe.] 

Sul. I am happ3^ to learn you have become cog- 
nizant of the fact. 

G2iy D. [Muttering to himself, with a pacJcage of 
hills in his hafid.] Let me see, now. I must make 
no mistake — one — two — three, four, five — six, 
seven — eight — [Pause.] — nine — ten — correct. 
There you are, my lad — ten notes of a thousand 
dollars each. 

Sill. [Puts pistol on a chair, and counts the hills.] 
All right — I believe this about ends the business — 
I assure you the matter will never go any further. 
[Thrusts notes into his pocliet, after that the pistol — 
fakes out key — opens the rear door, and is ahout pass- 
ing out.] 

Guy D. [He has come fortvard in a languid, as- 
sured ivay.] I say. Sullen — 

Sul, [Returning.] Did you call? 



8() 



Guy D. Hayen't you forgotten something? 

Sttl. Not that I know of. 

Guy D. Yes, you haye. 

Sul What? 

Guy D. Why, to shake hands, old boy. 

[TJiey shake hands.] 

Sul. Well, you're a good one. 

Guy D. And you're a better — Ha! Ha! [Con- 
ducts Sullen to the door, patting him on the 'back. As 
he does this the Baronness slowly enters in a negligee.'] 

Bar. Mr. Deylin — 

Guy D. You? Baronness? 

Bar. I was awakened from my sleep — by some 
disturbance. I thought you were being threat- 
ened. Springing out of my bed, I hurried — 

Guy D. All for nothing, you see. 

Bar. I am sure I heard yoices. 

Guy D. Yes, I was talking to myself. 

Bar. What were 3^ou saying? 

Guy D. That the "Grinding Bill" would pass. 

END. 



f-'BRARY OF CONGRESS 

016^215 053 4 ^ 



